Lately I find myself wondering…why is it so much easier to be transparent in a written word, then face to face? Why can’t I share my love and appreciation of others face to face, and more often than I do? My heart is being stirred to new levels of passion. I know it is The Lord, and I’m wondering how to express it without losing control.
At least, I think losing control is part of what I am struggling with. When a conversation turns toward things about which I have very strong feelings, and I begin to pursue it to the point of getting emotional about it, my natural tendency is to back off so that I don’t lose it. Sometimes I back off short of tears, but sometimes not. In any case, I think there is a nakedness in tears, and an intimacy in tears, which is very threatening for me. It doesn’t matter whether they are tears of joy or tears of sorrow; I want to tell someone how I feel, and before I can get very far, I am reduced to tears. I think the problem is not just me feeling threatened, but I think that others won’t know what to do if I break down and weep, and I am reluctant to put them in that position.
However, increasingly I am sensing that we all need to be put in that position. We need to feel in the depths of our being, the passion in the heart of God. More and more, I am convinced, that “the zeal of The Lord Almighty” (Isaiah 9:7) is His passion.
Maybe it’s a male thing. We are so confoundedly task-oriented, that we can’t afford to lose control. Perhaps if we were more relationship-oriented, we might risk it for the sake of intimacy.
- By Jay Ferris